Category: Strategies

Triggers do matter ... and impact bounce back (+ BOOKMARK)

6/1/2019

What is a trigger? Why are some moments so hard to recover from?

A trigger is a stimuli that pulls us back into a time of danger.

The present, which may indeed be safe, now feels the full breadth and depth of feelings of danger, causing our bodies to tumble into a serious threat response.
Our biochemical threat response sends stress hormones through our body.
Our emotions and thinking are hijacked.
Our triggered responses are truly out of sync with the present
Often we respond with a too-much, too-harsh, too-strong (far beyond a reasoned level) response.

Our triggers do matter.

When we respond to current non-life-threatening events as though they were life-threatening we have a mismatched response to what is going on with a student.
Often we end up processing our response with regret, or with justifying our over-the-top reaction.
We may come to conclusions from those moments that are unreasonable (partially to justify our responses, and partially because we have escalated a situation and have thereby forced an outcome)

So what can we do about those things that trigger us.
1. Understand the nature of triggers. Know that triggers are not unusual. Most people have had very hard stuff happen to them.
2. Identify, if possible, your triggers. Write them down. Track them down.
3. Avoid the triggers (if possible).
4. Make a plan to handle your response, should you be triggered. For example,
- take a break (in whatever way you can)
- calm yourself through interventions "I am OK, I am breathing deeply, I can handle this, etc." (see the FREE bookmark above)
.5. Seek counselling to decrease the number of triggers, and your response to a trigger.

And what do we do after being triggered?
a. calm yourself (knowing it is longer and harder than other typical emotional responses)
b. practice self-compassion (see May 2019 post)
c. apologize, if appropriate to the circumstance. Help the student(s) understand that overreaction is not the best response, and you will handle that for the next time.
d. Address any challenging behavior on the part of the student.

Finally, be kind to yourself. Triggers matter. You are bigger than your triggers. And you matter more!

May I choose self-compassion & bounce back (+ FREE Bookmark)

5/1/2019

So, what do we do when we mess up? What do we do when we handle a challenging moment with less than our usual calm-cool-collected self?

Research by Dr. Kristen Neff (and colleagues), highlights self-compassion as key to resilience. It is surprising (and a relief for many) that self-compassion trumps self-esteem.

Who would have thought? Resilience is not built through

"shoulda" / "coulda"/ "woulda"
self-critical internal bashing

Instead, what helps, in a mature adult,
the wisdom of seeing oneself "in process."

Statements that support self compassion (and which we can then support students to use) include:

May I ... be kind to myself
May I ... be patient with myself
May I ... be generous with myself
May I ... be allowed to still be learning
Others would also have found this hard ...
This was painful and ...

Reflective exercises to build self-compassion can help prepare for, and recover from, challenging moments.

So as May moves forward, may self compassion grow and increase your bounce back!

Renew. Bounce Back with Gratitude + FREE Bookmark

4/1/2019

We have been looking at ways that adults can build bounce back. Remember, this is your year! One powerful source of "bounce back" is our gratitude. The impact of gratitude has resulted in many studies, as can be seen in positive psychology.

Gratitude has many names:

appreciation
thankfulness
acknowledgment ... and more.

We can be grateful for
- the big picture (the life we have, our "yes" to life)
- other aspects of our life that has been gifted to us (e.g., gratitude to others)

Consider, as a bounce back strategy, listing the small, medium, and large factors in your life for which to be grateful. Try to find 10 ...

10 things I am grateful for ... as your first waking thoughts.
10 things I am grateful for ... as you fall asleep.
10 things I am grateful for ... as you pause during the day, remembering why you are in this work, or in this moment.

I am thankful for .....

Resilient Adults - Bouncing Back + Free Bookmark

3/19/2019

Caring adults helping kids ... can become worn, depleted, losing our "bounce." Have you had that experience? Did you replenish, regain your enthusiasm, your perspective?

One way of looking at resilience is "bouncing back":
- to a more energized physiology
- to a more positive emotional tone
- to a more hopeful thinking.

Often working with (or parenting) more complex kids results in multiple in-the-moment challenges that diminish our "resilience to future challenges.

How can we bounce back, even more quickly, in these challenging moments?

How can we bounce back often enough that we stay "in the work" (rather than taking months or years to recover from the re-occurring depletion)?

Dr. Janina Fischer has introduced a "Window of Tolerance to Distress" model that is finding traction amid counselling practitioners and clients alike. This model illuminates key factors involved in "bouncing back" - especially noticing what shifts my body's response to the stressors in the moment.

USE THIS BOOKMARK
TO REMIND YOU
TO TAKE (SELF) CARE!

For adults who work directly with students, this model is empowering in multiple ways:
(a) it validates that our physiological response to stress is a valid indicator of distress in the moment
(b) it highlights that adults need to recognize the impact of stress our their bodies
(c) it connects physical, emotional and cognitive responses to stress
(d) it recognizes that our window of tolerance grows and shrinks in response to physiological needs (e.g., sleep, nutrition), emotional events (e.g., attachment relationships), and cognitive factors (e.g., thinking patterns, assessments of what is occurring around us, etc.)
(e) it gives permission for adults to plan for self care. (Note that self care is profoundly different than selfishness or narcissism. Self-care, in contrast to self-focused patterns, includes care for the other. Practically speaking, we provide more functional service when we commit to our own health).

In response to the importance of "bounce back", you will see a number of downloadable bookmarks over the next months to support you in your journey of self-care this year. Share them freely!

Teaching Calm at School - tips for transitioning into summer

5/22/2018

Toward the end of the year routines at school often falter in the face of special events.

Here are some tips for teaching calm during this transition time.

The end of the year is in sight!

What parents want their kids to know - Separation and divorce

4/15/2018

What kids want their parents to know - Separation and Divorce

3/31/2018

FREE - Finding My Inside Superpowers Course

11/7/2017

How can we help children and youth develop skills to rev up and to calm down?

We have put together a FREE, short, engaging course Finding My Inside Superpowers.

In this course (located on a Teachables website) you will find:
1. a video to help young people notice what is happening in their bodies (2 min.)
2. a video that explores how to calm upset (2 min)
3. a checklist of strategies to help calm, based on neuro-biology of calming
4. a certificate of completion.

You can access this "course" to support your work with individual, small group or a whole classroom of children and youth.

Finding My Inside Superpowers

And to deepen the learnings our books (with supporting free resources) are:
CHILL - for navigating upset in junior high/middle school
Instead I - for surviving and thriving
What if I - for calming worries
So Then I - for recess and unstructured times
Why Can't I - for beating the blues.

May the calming superhero inside flourish!

The sounds of cheering on!

10/2/2017

What does "cheering on" look like, sound like? When do we do this? How do we help children and youth develop needed skills. This info graphic tracks part of the process (from the bottom up):

We often do this without being aware of our skill. Yet in our work with more complex children and youth, this needs to become an intentional practice.

Begin with strengths, interest and passions. This will help get buy in, match the skill needed for this step in development. It also helps to have similar interests and/or skills in the area of need.
Determine which skills are missing. Pick one (prioritize). Provide multiple opportunities for this skill to develop. Some key thinkers, in social and emotional areas include Michelle Garcia Winner (Social Thinking), Dr. Ross Greene (Lives in the Balance) , Dr. Stuart Ablon (Think Kids) and Dr. Gordon Neufeld (Neufeld Institue)
Give those key messages that help in the struggles to learn. Two key thinkers in this area include Dr. Carol Dweck (growth mindset) and Dr. Kristin Neff (self compassion) .
Found in the infographic above, the messages can include:
"You are capable."
"You can do it!"
"Learning something new is brave."

Finally, include your own gems, from your own struggles and your own learnings. I like Mark Twain's (Samuel Clemens) "I have found the harder I work, the luckier I get!" or my mother's "This, too, shall pass" (when facing difficult moments).

All the best as you support young ones in their growth!

You are Capable! (is this a message we are giving?)

9/27/2017

School is on! Routines are back into place in most classrooms and homes.

So, now other work with complex children begins. How do we support development?

This summer I reflected on a key question, "Are we giving messages of capability?" This is particularly important question when we work with children and youth who struggle. Once we have learned that a child/youth struggles with something, we often get stuck at "What next?" We may wonder:

Is this a skill beyond this student's actual ability?
Are my expectations too high?
Will this be too discouraging, and cause more problems?

My conclusion?

We need to be part of the fuel to help youngsters keep moving to learn the skills they need to learn.
We need to remember that our own successes were built upon our struggles, learning from mistakes, being compassionate with others once we learned that we, too, could mess up.

If parents [teachers, counsellors, grandparents ... ] want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.” Dr. Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

And in the next post ... what are key messages we can say to young people during their struggles.

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