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Triggers do matter ... and impact bounce back (+ BOOKMARK)

6/1/2019

 
What is a trigger?  Why are some moments so hard to recover from?  

A trigger is a stimuli that pulls us back into a time of danger. 
  • The present, which may indeed be safe, now feels the full breadth and depth of feelings of danger, causing our bodies to tumble into a serious threat response. 
  • Our biochemical threat response sends stress hormones through our body. 
  • Our emotions and thinking are hijacked.  
  • Our triggered responses are truly out of sync with the present
  • Often we respond with a too-much, too-harsh, too-strong (far beyond a reasoned level) response.

Our triggers do matter. 
  • When we respond to current non-life-threatening events as though they were life-threatening we have a mismatched response to what is going on with a student. 
  • Often we end up processing our response with regret, or with justifying our over-the-top reaction.
  • We may come to conclusions from those moments that are unreasonable (partially to justify our responses, and partially because we have escalated a situation and have thereby forced an outcome)
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So what can we do about those things that trigger us.  
1.  Understand the nature of triggers.  Know that triggers are not unusual.  Most people have had very hard stuff happen to them.
2.   Identify, if possible, your triggers.  Write them down.  Track them down.
3.  Avoid the triggers (if possible).
4.  Make a plan to handle your response, should you be triggered.  For example, 
- take a break (in whatever way you can)
- calm yourself through interventions "I am OK, I am breathing deeply, I can handle this, etc." (see the FREE bookmark above)
.5.  Seek counselling to decrease the number of triggers, and  your response to a trigger.

And what do we do after being triggered?
a. calm yourself (knowing it is longer and harder than other typical emotional responses)
b.  practice self-compassion (see May 2019 post)
c.  apologize, if appropriate to the circumstance.  Help the student(s) understand that overreaction is not the best response, and you will handle that for the next time. 
d.  Address any challenging behavior on the part of the student.

Finally, be kind to yourself.  Triggers matter.  You are bigger than your triggers.  And you matter more!

May I choose self-compassion & bounce back  (+ FREE Bookmark)

5/1/2019

 
So, what do we do when we mess up?  What do we do when we handle a challenging moment with less than our usual calm-cool-collected self?

Research by Dr. Kristen Neff (and colleagues), highlights self-compassion as key to resilience.  It is surprising (and a relief for many) that self-compassion trumps self-esteem.

Who would have thought?  Resilience is not built through
  • "shoulda" / "coulda"/ "woulda"
  • self-critical internal bashing

Instead, what helps, in a mature adult,
the wisdom of seeing oneself "in process."

Statements that support self compassion (and
which we can then support students to use) include:
  • May I ... be kind to myself
  • May I ... be patient with myself
  • May I ... be generous with myself
  • May I ... be allowed to still be learning
  • Others would also have found this hard ...
  • This was painful and ...

Reflective exercises to build self-compassion can help prepare for, and recover from, challenging moments.

So as May moves forward, may self compassion grow and increase your bounce back!  



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Renew.  Bounce Back with Gratitude + FREE Bookmark

4/1/2019

 
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We have been looking at ways that adults can build bounce back.  Remember, this is your year!  One powerful source of "bounce back" is our gratitude.  The impact of gratitude has resulted in many studies, as can be seen in positive psychology.

Gratitude has many names:
  • appreciation
  • thankfulness
  • acknowledgment ... and more.

We can be grateful for 
- the big picture (the life we have, our "yes" to life)
- other aspects of our life that has been gifted to us (e.g., gratitude to others)

​Consider, as a bounce back strategy, listing the small, medium, and large factors in your life for which to be grateful. Try to find 10 ... 
  • 10 things I am grateful for ... as your first waking thoughts. 
  • 10 things I am grateful for ... as you fall asleep. 
  • 10 things I am grateful for ...  as you pause during the day, remembering why you are in this work, or in this moment.  

I am thankful for .....

Resilient Adults - Bouncing Back + Free Bookmark

3/19/2019

 
Caring adults helping kids ... can become worn, depleted, losing our "bounce."  Have you had that experience?  Did you replenish, regain your enthusiasm, your perspective?

One way of looking at resilience is "bouncing back":
- to a more energized physiology
- to a more positive emotional tone
- to a more hopeful thinking.   

Often working with (or parenting) more complex kids results in multiple in-the-moment challenges that diminish our "resilience to future challenges. 

How  can we bounce back, even more quickly, in these challenging moments? 

How can we bounce back often enough that we stay "in the work" (rather than taking months or years to recover from the re-occurring depletion)?


​Dr. Janina Fischer has introduced a "Window of Tolerance to Distress" model that is finding traction amid counselling practitioners and clients alike.  This model illuminates key factors involved in "bouncing back" - especially noticing what shifts my body's response to the stressors in the moment.


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USE THIS BOOKMARK
TO REMIND YOU
​TO TAKE (SELF)  CARE!

For adults who work directly with students, this model is empowering in multiple ways:
(a) it validates that our physiological response to stress is a valid indicator of distress in  the moment 

(b) it highlights that adults need to recognize the impact of stress our their bodies
(c) it connects physical, emotional and cognitive responses to stress
(d) it recognizes that our window of tolerance grows and shrinks in response to physiological needs (e.g., sleep, nutrition), emotional events (e.g., attachment relationships), and cognitive factors (e.g., thinking patterns, assessments of what is occurring around us, etc.)
(e) it gives permission for adults to plan for self care.  (Note that self care is profoundly different than selfishness or narcissism.  Self-care, in contrast to self-focused patterns, includes care for the other.  Practically speaking, we provide more functional service when we commit to our own health).
​

In response to the importance of "bounce back", you will see a number of downloadable bookmarks over the next months to support you in your journey of self-care this year.  Share them freely!
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Teaching Calm at School - tips for transitioning into summer

5/22/2018

 
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Toward the end of the year routines at school often falter in the face of special events.

Here are some tips for teaching calm during this transition time.  

The end of the year is in sight!




What parents want their kids to know - Separation and divorce

4/15/2018

 
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What kids want their parents to know - Separation and Divorce

3/31/2018

 
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FREE  -  Finding My Inside Superpowers Course

11/7/2017

 
How can we help children and youth develop skills to rev up and to calm down?

We have put together a FREE, short, engaging course Finding My Inside Superpowers.

In this course (
located on a Teachables website) you will find:
1. a video to help young people notice what is happening in their bodies (2 min.)
2.  a video that explores how to calm upset (2 min)
3.  a checklist of strategies to help calm, based on neuro-biology of calming
4.  a certificate of completion.

You can access this "course"  to support  your work with individual, small group or a whole classroom of  children and youth.  

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Finding My Inside Superpowers
And to deepen the learnings our books (with supporting free resources) are:
CHILL - for navigating upset in junior high/middle school 
Instead I - for surviving and thriving
What if I - for calming worries
So Then I - for recess and unstructured times
Why Can't I - for beating the blues.

May the calming superhero inside flourish!

​

The sounds of cheering on!

10/2/2017

 
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What does "cheering on" look like, sound like?  When do we do this?  How do we help children and youth develop needed skills.  ​This info graphic tracks part of the process (from the bottom up):











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We often do this without being aware of our skill.  Yet in our work with more complex children and youth, this needs to become an intentional practice.
  1. Begin with strengths, interest and passions.  This will help get buy in, match the skill needed for this step in development.  It also helps to have similar interests and/or skills in the area of need. 
  2. Determine which skills are missing.  Pick one (prioritize).  Provide multiple opportunities for this skill to develop.  Some key thinkers, in social and emotional areas include Michelle Garcia Winner (Social Thinking), Dr. Ross Greene (Lives in the Balance) , Dr. Stuart Ablon (Think Kids) and Dr. Gordon Neufeld (Neufeld Institue)
  3. Give those key messages that help in the struggles to learn.  Two key thinkers in this area include   Dr. Carol Dweck (growth mindset)   and Dr. Kristin Neff (self compassion) .
    Found in the infographic above, the messages can include:
    "You are capable."               
    "You can do it!"               
    "Learning something new is brave." 
Finally, include your own gems, from your own struggles and your own learnings.  I like Mark Twain's (Samuel Clemens) "I have found the harder I work, the luckier  I get!"  or my mother's "This, too, shall pass" (when facing difficult moments).

​All the best as you support young ones in their growth!


You are Capable!   (is this a message we are giving?)

9/27/2017

 
School is on!  Routines are back into place in most classrooms and homes.

So, now other work with complex children begins.  How do we support development? 

This summer I reflected on a key question, "Are we giving messages of capability?" This is particularly important question when we work with children and youth who struggle.  ​ Once we have learned that a child/youth struggles with something, we often get stuck at "What next?"   We may wonder:
  • Is this a skill beyond this student's actual ability?  
  • Are my expectations too high?
  • Will this be too discouraging, and cause more problems?

My conclusion? 
  • We need to be part of the fuel to help youngsters keep moving to learn the skills they need to learn. 
  • We need to remember that our own successes were built upon our struggles, learning from mistakes, being compassionate with others once we learned that we, too, could mess up. ​
If parents [teachers, counsellors, grandparents ... ] want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning.  That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise.  They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.”  Dr. Carol Dweck, Mindset:  The New Psychology of Success

And in the next post ... what are key messages we can say to young people during their struggles.
​

<<Previous

    Caring. 
    Transforming.
    Connecting.

    Mary-Catherine Bailey-McKenna is a registered psychologist and author of the Caring Adults Helping Kids Series, including:
    - the I Series Instead I, What if I, So Then I, Why Can't I, But When I (released June 2019)
    - CHILL - like a superhero (graphic novel)
    - My Backpack ("flip book" on  separation and divorce).

    These posts explore  basic models and strategies for supporting self-regulation skills in school-aged children, and in the adults who care for them.

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 What people have said 
My daughter (going on 4) is younger than the intended age group but she loves the “I Series”, she calls them her “Happy Face Books”. I love that even though she may not fully understand all of the content, there is a lot that I have been able to relate back to situations where she has been playing with her cousins and with other kids at the playground. The techniques demonstrated in these books have been a great guide for me as a parent to teach my pre-schooler emotional regulation skills and prepare her for future social situations."        Ainsley Painchaud                                                                                                                                       Instead I ...            and      What if I ...        and     So then I ...             and     Why Can't I ...

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Contact Us
I highly recommend [Instead I...'s] use in homes as well as in schools, where these concrete skills can be effectively modeled by adults and practiced by children.                            
   W. Dale Heide, MSW, 
Clinical Social Worker,                                  
   AB​,                                     

I thoroughly enjoyed this book! “Instead I...” will help children navigate the many challenges of a school day.
         Madeline DeLorey,
                      B.A., B.Ed.                    Teacher, ON

[Instead I ...] really helped my son with his behaviour in school and at home.  He is now in Grade 5 and is making better choices and is a better student.  Thanks for the AMAZING book!
                          Robert
Parent   Entrepreneur,                                        AB

 

 

 



What If I … teaches skills to calm the worried mind.  These skills that are foundational to good mental health in childhood  AND  adulthood.  What If I … draws the reader into the day-to-day realities of children and young students.
                Van McGeein, MSW, RSW
​                                                    AB


This book is exceptional in helping quiet worriers build language around their feelings and develop simple strategies to begin to find new patterns. 

                      Dr. Jennifer Batycky,
                                Principal, AB



 

​
So  then I… is a book that children will identify with and that adults will find invaluable in helping kids to ‘have a great week.’     Mary-Catherine ... weaves straightforward and research-based strategies for dealing with ... challenges into the story.
                               Craig Harper, M.Sc.
​                                   Psychologist, AB

 
So  then I…  is a great companion to the first two books.  My daughter engaged with them imm
ediately.  
 I know she will love this one too!
                                        Heidi Grogan, M.A.
                            Writer, Instructor, AB


This beautiful little book is a much needed resource for kids and the adults in their lives.  ...   Why Can’t I helps every child to understand what they’re feeling, and to take simple, practical steps toward a healthier and happier state of being.      
                                   Tam Lundy, Ph.D.,
   Canadian Self-Regulation Initiative

This series is exceptional at giving children and adults the language to describe, and practice, emotional, calming, and social skills. ...  Children can discover that they can “grow” important survival skills, that these skills aren’t simply innate or absent.  
              Liz Spittal, B.Ed.,  M.Ed.- TESL,                      English Language Learning                                                  
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