​Our newest "whiteboard video" was published today.  "Just Noticing" takes the viewer through the process of "noticing" changes in the body connected to six basic emotions.

Why so basic?

Some children and youth (and adults) struggle with self-awareness, with insight, with understanding what they are feeling.  These children and youth can benefit from explicit instruction in how to understand themselves.  Here is one learning path that can help these child and  youth make sense of (and manage) their inner world.

1.  I notice sensations
2. I name them (feelings/emotions)
3. I speak them (I feel ...)
4. I manage them (i.e., regulate)
   ​

"Just Noticing" (found on our Free Resources page) reminds us to pay attention to sensations in the body. Ultimately we name these sensations, calling them "feelings" or "emotions."  Being able to speak of our feelings reduces electrical activity in the emotional centres of the brain, and allows for electrical activity to occur in our prefrontal cortex.  The prefrontal cortex helps us to manage impulses, make plans, see consequences, and calm down!

A 2013 Finnish study showed that an emotion (such as anger) is generally  felt in the same area of the body for most people.  (Check it out!  http://www.aalto.fi/en/current/news/2013-12-31/_ or on Youtube )  "Just Noticing" reflects that research, while emphasizing the individual nature of core feelings.

And "noticing" is very much a term connected to the "mindfulness" movement.  Recent emphasis on the  practice of "mindfulness" points to the importance of purposefully directing our attention.   "Just Noticing" is the beginning of that practice for those who struggle with self-awareness.

Enjoy the seeds of self awareness that you help plant.  Enjoy, even more so, the fruit of those seeds as children and youth gain skills to self-regulate!

Our third book is now published and being read by little ones and the adults who care for them.

What about Instead I and What if I?

Instead I continues to be one of ODIN's top 10 best sellers.  (ODIN Mental Health and Educational Books, Vancouver, BC)

What if I is now being sold at Social Thinking Conferences in the United States.

And what do repeat customers say?

Hi! I just ordered your third book, So Then I... The other two are wonderful, and really complement the FRIENDS program that we are using across BC to help kids develop tools for dealing with stress and anxiety.   Thanks for your brilliant work.  As a former school counsellor, trainer for the FRIENDS program in BC, and Project Lead for a Community Wellness Local Action Team, I can see myself referring to your materials often. Thanks!  
                                                                                                                          C. Hofweber,  Smithers, BC

We are so grateful for your support, and your desire to help some of our most vulnerable children move toward success at school and in life.  

​"Why a book about recess?" I was asked.  "Recess is fun!"   But this third book in the series "Caring Adults Helping Kids" speaks to my heart.  

When we first observe school yards filled with children at recess the noise and movement is astounding.  So much activity!   We hear laughter.  We see play.  We see children run.  Usually there are  several pairs of children walking the perimeter.  For these students, recess is fun.   Recess is a break.  Recess is the opportunity to let loose.  Recess is a time to de-compress, to breathe deeply.

But when we look closer we see another layer of activity.  There are various children

• ​who are constantly in fights
• who are not welcome in games
• who prefer the quiet at the building's corners to the  games of peers
  
  

And then there are those not-to-be-seen children who hide under desks, who stay in bathrooms for a long time, who drag their feet on the way outside ... just to escape the rigors of recess.

Even children who are socially strong and emotionally resilient may find themselves stressed by challenges at recess.  What if a peer rejects them?  What if the group turns on them?  What if the only recess-friend is sick?

How can we help  children who are struggling at recess survive and thrive?

So then I ... recess strategies to survive and thrive at school offers explicit strategies for young students at recess.  Young readers can relate to the common stressors, and solutions, explored.  Tips for adults at the back of the book highlight key pieces for support.  The "how to" section of the book gives ideas for explicit instruction.

As one reader wrote:

This book on recess strategies for children to survive and thrive is AMAZING! 

Recess is perhaps for many the most challenging and daunting time of the day.  

What a great resource for teachers to do a read-aloud with their children, and then discuss the strategies children can use at recess.  Children could work in groups and come up with some of their own strategies in a given situation.  Groups can present to the class and place the charts around the classroom.  Congratulations! 
                                                                       Madeline Delorey, just-retired educator of 25 years

So when we drive by a crowded playground, we can look closer.  The children who are having the hardest times deserve our second look.  They need our support most of all. 
Find out more.
​

​It has been one year since the first posts on this site.
Let's recap some key strategies for success in working with children (and youth) with complexities.  

1 Breathe.  Deeply.
This is a key strategy for adults.  
This is also a key strategy to teach children and youth.  
10 deep breaths can significantly impact physiological functioning and increase thinking capacity.  We move out of fight/flight/freeze/surrender and move out of emotional overwhelm.  And we can get to calm.  Breathe.  Deeply.   Want to try something fun?  Dove's Breathe video

 2 Gratitude
The "attitude of gratitude" moves us into healthier places (physically and mentally).  What we choose to focus our attention on is profoundly important.  Want to watch something profound?  The Happy Movie
 
3 Self Talk
Harnessing our "inside chatter" (self-talk, auditory internal dialogue, etc.) allows us to remember to be grateful, and remember to breathe deeply.  Some people use the "STOP!" command, and follow that by a carefully chosen command, like "RELAX!  Relax!  relax."  What to see this in action?  Try Rick Hansen's Hardwiring the brain for happiness.

3.5  Come to Peace with What is
Ever try to make a castle out of thin air?  Kind of nice in our heads, but that is the only place it exists.  Coming to peace with "what is" allows us to work with what is actually present.  That allows us to begin seeing strengths and gaps.  It allows us to "give up the ghost" on that which is not real, at least not right now.

4 Work with Strengths
All of us have strengths.  All of us have weaknesses or lagging skills.  Starting from what we can do makes it easier to risk.   We need to work with our own strengths, and the strengths of the children in our care.

5 Small, Targeted Gains
Finally, as in the nature of any great creation, choosing small "doable" steps in new areas of learning is key.  If it were easy for us (or children/youth) it would already have been learned.  Creating opportunities to learn in small chunks, and practice new skills with support is a necessary step for many of our children/youth.

How about an example?  Juan temper tantrums regularly.  He is now 10 and having difficulty at home and at school with most academic tasks, and at home with cleaning his room and doing homework.

At home, as a parent   (or caregiver by any other name!) we can:
1. Breathe deeply.  Teach Juan to breathe deeply.  Practice this 10 times a day.  
2. Make gratitude lists.  Read them. Read them aloud.  Post them on the wall.  
3. Create an internal "audio loop" for the adult to reframe what is happening.
 "Juan is learning"  
​"Juan needs some time to calm down and then we can talk."
 "Juan is a good boy with lagging skills"  
"Juan needs me to be calm so I can help him."  
"I am good enough dad.  Juan is coming along"  
"I am a good enough mom.  Juan is learning."
4.  Juan loves music.  He listens to his choice of music while cleaning his room.
5.  Juan's disordered room is first brought into order by an adult.  Eventually, when Juan gets these skills into place, he will choose what goes where.  For now, an adult helps.
Now "cleaning" means a five (5) minute focus (300 seconds) on picking up clothes.  Juan is successful at this.  Once he does this in 3 minutes "cleaning" now also includes making his bed.  When he is successful he can pick a song from YouTube and play it for the whole family.  Small, doable targetted gains.

At school, as an educator we can:
1. Breathe deeply.  Teach Juan to breathe deeply.  Practice this 10 times a day.  
2. Make gratitude lists.  Read them. Read them aloud.  Post them on the wall.  
3. Create an internal "audio loop" for the adult to reframe what is happening.
 "Juan is learning"  
​"Juan needs some time to calm down and then we can talk."
 "Juan is a good boy with lagging skills"  
"Juan needs me to be calm so I can help him."  
"I am good enough dad.  Juan is coming along"  
"I am a good enough mom.  Juan is learning."
4.  Juan loves music.  He listens to his choice of music while working on a non-preferred task.  He gets to listen to music as long as he stays on task.
5.  How to help Juan to focus at school, and learn in areas that have been challenging for him?  The teacher makes a plan (and involves his dad for the instrument portion):
Juan's schoolwork is tied to what he likes (music) and he researches and writes about his favourite band.He compares different types of music using diagrams.  He does mathematics problems that refer to music (e.g., beats per minute, drum sticks, how far the band travels, etc.)  He listens to music while doing math, as long as he stays focused.  Social studies includes what music was popular in the era and land being studied.  He has a project that spans home and school (i.e., making a "drumstick guitar).  Both the music teacher and his father are involved.  Small, doable targetted gains.


Each one of these is explored in previous posts (in one way or another!)

How will you welcome happiness as 2015 gives way to 2016?  What will other see you doing?
- enjoying the gift of loved ones around us
- welcoming the stranger lost in a new land
- sharing moments of peace with those who are sick or lonely
- caring for those who have less because of circumstance
- steeping in quiet moments of sheer gratitude
- learning something new and trying something challenging
- and more?

May you find happiness in the present, joy in small things, and peace in your heart.

As adults we are often encouraged to focus on our goals, like the bright centre of this silk art photo.  Know what you want.  Get motivated.  Imagine and make it real.  Plan ahead.  Succeed.   Unfortunately this only works for some of us and does not wholly apply to the next step for complex children.
 
When we focus on what I want with children who are complex we can end up frustrating ourselves and the children.  Why?

• We set up expectations that may not be able to be met.
• We highlight to the child that he/she cannot succeed (and train his/her brain to stop sending resources to that which is never successful).
• We take away our own power to actually do something about what is!

Children who are slower-to-mature-than-expected challenge us to separate out what is from what I want.   Three key leaders highlight how we can help these children move to their next developmental step.

Dr. Becky Bailey tells us that focussing our attention on what is not there (what I want) creates upset and frustration.  Focussing on what is allows us to help the child move forward (in small, manageable steps).  Her model for "managing upset" for example, supports the child where he/she is at (in physical sensations, feeling words, positive intention, and in helpful strategies)

Dr. Ross Greene uses a "collaborative" approach where the young student/youth comes up with a solution to unmet expectations.  The student can focus on "what I can do!" rather than "what you want me to do", while taking into account the concerns of adults around.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld uses a relationship-driven approach.  Change occurs in the context of a safe, caring, nurturing relationship.  The focus is on coming back to the invitation for the child "to exist in my presence" (without focus on what the child can or cannot do).   

To help we must create our own unique connections with each child.  Like the beautiful silk art web photos, the result can be wonderfully surprising!

Getting ourselves to calm does two important things:
1. gives us more choices
2. influences others
    to calm

Why is this self-calm so challenging for adults?

​It seems to make no sense.  Many of us, when we look for it, can recognize when others are not calm. 

We read non-verbal cues:
- faces
- eyes
- voice tone
- volume
- body rigidity
- lack of engagement and lack of appreciation

How easily do we recognize our own lack of calm?  As Dr. Paul Ekman recently pointed out, we are not born with the innate ability to recognize emotion within ourselves.  Ahhh. 

So calming ourselves means identifying our own cues of distress, and then choosing strategies to calm.

​Unless we have a mirror to see what our faces reveal, we adults are left with noticing our:
- emotions (that matrix of sensations in our abdomen, in our muscles, faces, etc.)
- heart rates
- voice tones
- speed or slowness of speech
- volume (loud or soft)
- muscle tension
- how "settled" our spirits are
- how positive or negative our thinking
- and other personal "lack of calm" cues.

Neuroscience has begun to reveal internal processes.  We now know a little more about what does and does not work in our brains when we are upset, and when we are very, very upset.

Essentially, the calmer we are, the more choices we see.  When we are calm there is more of our brains "online" and accessible to us.  Our choices increase, because, frankly, our brains are working more optimally.  When we are calm we get better at planning, at delaying gratification, at noticing the important stuff. 

Have you noticed that we are calm, we can more easily influence others to calm?  What possibilities this can have in our relationships with ... partners, children, colleagues, neighbours.  More on that later!

Enjoy the noticing ... of body, of mind, of spirit.  Enjoy the journeys to calm!

  

Children who are complex are part of the stretching, humbling, intense process that reveals ourselves to us. And incredibly, makes us grow.  And our job, within all of our own change and struggle,  is finding what works with this absolutely unique person in front of us.

Sometimes "finding what works" is easy.  It is obvious.  It is rewarding.  
Sometimes "finding what works" is hard.  It is hidden.  It is strenuous.  And the rewards are few and far between.

With complex children "finding what works" is part art, part science, but mostly sheer determination based on the optimism that ...
somewhere,
somehow,
something
is
gonna
work
and the beauty 
of this unique person 
is gonna shine!


A script on a recent email reminded me that 
“When we treat people merely as they are, they will remain as they are.
When we treat them as if they were what they should be, they will become what they should be.”
                                                                                                                                      Thomas S. Monson

As the summer continues may you rest in the understanding that work with complex children is
incredibly important.  Lives can be transformed, precious unique lives ... and our lives too.

Last summer I  sat by the side of this glacier fed lake.  The Rocky Mountains stretched before me.  I rested in front of them.  

Someone from the city asked, "What do you do out there?"  
The answer, simply, was, "Nothing."  

I rested. Creativity flourished.  Life was enhanced.  In this tranquil setting I began my first book.    Soon I will be at the edge of the lake again, resting, writing, pausing, slowing, breathing.

So what does rest look like for you?

Recent research on toxic stress points to the importance of "getting away from it."  After 21 days neural networks that were stressed begin to heal themselves.  The damage of persistent stress begins to reverse. This is true for adults.  Unfortunately, exposure to persistent damaging stress has different impact on our children's developing brains.  More on that later. 

As an adult, what can you do to "get away from it?"  Where can you find your 21 days to be absent from the stressor?  Impossible?  Perhaps we build to 21 days, starting with a weekend, a week, two weeks, then more. Be kind to yourself as you pry apart the "shoulds" and "oughts" to create some space to regenerate. 

What seems impossible may just be the beginning of you flourishing, and turning a new page as well.