CTC1990 - Blog

#2 What skills are needed (learning outside the home)

8/30/2019

#2 Essential Questions - Letting Go - While Holding On

Transitioning to independence typically includes learning life skills at home.

However, there are occasions when the skills that could be learned, will not be learned at home.

This can be true for multiple reasons:

someone else at home already performs that life skill better (laundry, cleaning, budgeting)
standards for success at home are too high to reach
the young adult is not motivated to learn the skill
there is no urgency to support a young adult to learn the skill
other family issues take precedence (e.g., illness, family conflict, etc.)
the young adult’s desire for independence outstrips his/her skills to stay inside the family home to learn the skills
the young adult will not take direction from the family members in the home
there is no opportunity for real practice in learning the skill, etc.

What can parents (caregivers) do when many life skills will only be learned outside the family home?
Parents can target high priority skills that are crucial for immediate success. Parents will likely target practical strategies to support housing and employment.

For example, young adults can be supported in housing by:
a. parents providing a "launching ramp" for housing. Some parents pay the first three months rent (leaving the security deposit in the hands of the young adult). The young adult then has 90 days to find a job for the fourth month of rent. Whether the security deposit is returned (and motivation for that) then depends on the young adult.
b. reviewing the many options to having an upscale home, including: a room in a house with five other people; a shared basement suite; housing that comes along with a job; rooming with friends; a (paid) room in a house with a relative, etc.

For example, young adults can be encouraged to find employment:
a. finding multiple part-time jobs
b. finding jobs at the place of schooling (e.g., cafeteria at school)
c. finding a part-time job and doing part-time self-employment jobs (e.g., cleaning, landscaping, dog walking, etc.)

#2 What skills are needed?

8/23/2019

Essential Questions #2 - Letting Go - While Holding On (Parent Question)

Parents (and/or caregivers) can support transition to independence by

identifying what life skills are in already developing
identifying what life skills need to develop
identifying which of those skills is most important (and/or do-able)
deciding how to support that skill (also known as structuring for success, or scaffolding until the skill is mostly learned; small steps, slow and steady!).
determining if that skill is something the young adult will need to learn elsewhere
(See more on this on the next blog post!).

The following is a sample of life skills that can help support independence.

Parents and young adults can target the skills that are needed, and begin to practice that skill.

#1 What was expected of me? (Parent Question)

7/23/2019

Essential Questions #1 - Letting Go - While Holding On

OK, so time to remember (not so easy sometimes!). Review the colour chart below to discover:

when you were young (at about the same age as the young adult who is in your home), what was expected around various tasks?
what expectations do I have for my young adult at home?

There may be many reasons for lowered expectations for young adults at home.
Consider how your expectations of your young adult work against key messages of
"You are capable."
"You can develop skills in this area."
"You can develop skills to keep yourself safe."
"Your efforts are connected to your success" (at least to some degree!).

NEW SERIES! Transitioning from home

7/19/2019

How do we let go and hold on at the same time? What a paradox! Yet this is key to growth, to intimacy, to maturity, moving through stages of family life.

Over the next while you will find some essential questions in this blog to help support young adults in their transition to independence.

Build attention skills - with But When I ...

7/17/2019

Triggers do matter ... and impact bounce back (+ BOOKMARK)

6/1/2019

What is a trigger? Why are some moments so hard to recover from?

A trigger is a stimuli that pulls us back into a time of danger.

The present, which may indeed be safe, now feels the full breadth and depth of feelings of danger, causing our bodies to tumble into a serious threat response.
Our biochemical threat response sends stress hormones through our body.
Our emotions and thinking are hijacked.
Our triggered responses are truly out of sync with the present
Often we respond with a too-much, too-harsh, too-strong (far beyond a reasoned level) response.

Our triggers do matter.

When we respond to current non-life-threatening events as though they were life-threatening we have a mismatched response to what is going on with a student.
Often we end up processing our response with regret, or with justifying our over-the-top reaction.
We may come to conclusions from those moments that are unreasonable (partially to justify our responses, and partially because we have escalated a situation and have thereby forced an outcome)

So what can we do about those things that trigger us.
1. Understand the nature of triggers. Know that triggers are not unusual. Most people have had very hard stuff happen to them.
2. Identify, if possible, your triggers. Write them down. Track them down.
3. Avoid the triggers (if possible).
4. Make a plan to handle your response, should you be triggered. For example,
- take a break (in whatever way you can)
- calm yourself through interventions "I am OK, I am breathing deeply, I can handle this, etc." (see the FREE bookmark above)
.5. Seek counselling to decrease the number of triggers, and your response to a trigger.

And what do we do after being triggered?
a. calm yourself (knowing it is longer and harder than other typical emotional responses)
b. practice self-compassion (see May 2019 post)
c. apologize, if appropriate to the circumstance. Help the student(s) understand that overreaction is not the best response, and you will handle that for the next time.
d. Address any challenging behavior on the part of the student.

Finally, be kind to yourself. Triggers matter. You are bigger than your triggers. And you matter more!

Help build attention skills - newest book!

5/21/2019

The newest book in the "I Series" arrives soon!

Some students struggle with paying attention and focusing on "important."

This book supports students who alert and focus through interest or challenge or urgency.

Included are:
- strategies to build attention skills
- tips for parents, educators and counsellors.

Very exciting!

May I choose self-compassion & bounce back (+ FREE Bookmark)

5/1/2019

So, what do we do when we mess up? What do we do when we handle a challenging moment with less than our usual calm-cool-collected self?

Research by Dr. Kristen Neff (and colleagues), highlights self-compassion as key to resilience. It is surprising (and a relief for many) that self-compassion trumps self-esteem.

Who would have thought? Resilience is not built through

"shoulda" / "coulda"/ "woulda"
self-critical internal bashing

Instead, what helps, in a mature adult,
the wisdom of seeing oneself "in process."

Statements that support self compassion (and which we can then support students to use) include:

May I ... be kind to myself
May I ... be patient with myself
May I ... be generous with myself
May I ... be allowed to still be learning
Others would also have found this hard ...
This was painful and ...

Reflective exercises to build self-compassion can help prepare for, and recover from, challenging moments.

So as May moves forward, may self compassion grow and increase your bounce back!

Breathe. Think. Bounce Back (BOOKMARK!)

4/15/2019

Several strategies to increase our bounce back are familiar and yet often undervalued in our day-to-day lives.

First- Breathe Deeply
Breathing deeply is a key strategy for bouncing back. Research exploring deep (diaphragmatic) breathing and cortisol reminds us to do what babies naturally do. Breathe deeply.

What does this mean for those of us who work with complex kids? Essentially, sometime in our work days, we need to TAKE - 10 - DEEP BREATHS. When will you do this? While driving to work? While eating lunch? Recovering from a difficult moment?

Second - Think Carefully
What we say to ourselves matters. Dr. Rick Hansen has determined that what we say impacts varying parts of our brains. For an over-activated brain, the following statements can help calm us down.

1. I am safe
this calms the fight/flight/freeze/surrender parts of our brain.

2. I have all that I need (to be happy)
this calms the over-activated emotional centres of our brain

3. I am surrounded by people who love me
this calms the pre-frontal cortex

Dr. Becky Bailey adds "I am relaxing", a command to move the body and emotions into a safe, restorative state.

Renew. Bounce Back with Gratitude + FREE Bookmark

4/1/2019

We have been looking at ways that adults can build bounce back. Remember, this is your year! One powerful source of "bounce back" is our gratitude. The impact of gratitude has resulted in many studies, as can be seen in positive psychology.

Gratitude has many names:

appreciation
thankfulness
acknowledgment ... and more.

We can be grateful for
- the big picture (the life we have, our "yes" to life)
- other aspects of our life that has been gifted to us (e.g., gratitude to others)

Consider, as a bounce back strategy, listing the small, medium, and large factors in your life for which to be grateful. Try to find 10 ...

10 things I am grateful for ... as your first waking thoughts.
10 things I am grateful for ... as you fall asleep.
10 things I am grateful for ... as you pause during the day, remembering why you are in this work, or in this moment.

I am thankful for .....

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